At 30 plus years of age, a huge weight is lifted each time my HIV test comes back negative. I use condoms, sure. (Well, I’ve been celibate for over a year so I use my imagination. lol SERIOUSLY!) But what about the times I didn’t use condoms? What about the relationships I committed my entire being to but was cheated on serval times? Placed at risk by the men that claimed to love me. And while I started those relationships engaging in protected sex, sometimes they did NOT continue that way. After we became “official,” whatever that’s supposed to mean, the condom came off. I learned that while in what I thought was a monogamous, committed relationship, the man I was planning my life with SEXED other women frequently. He never used protection and all the secret, freaky, nasty and spontaneous acts he engaged in me wasn’t special. In most cases whatever his bedroom behavior was with me, it was the same behavior with the sex-ationships he had with all those other women… And still, I stayed! I put myself at risk for so many things… Disease yes! In every aspect. Mental and emotional disease! A broken heart and a broken spirit and a loss of sense of self. I stayed until he had no reason to respect me. This once strong woman now weakened by life’s trials, and though she calls her reason for staying “a fight for love and family,” it was actually fear. Fear of being alone, that she’s not good enough. The next woman will make him happy or be better. Comparing everything from her body, career, education, finances, her house, and even her everyday interest, which she changed to make her relationship more compatible. The insecurities that we carry are so deep.
Most women would never admit to being this stupid. But it isn’t stupid at all. We were raised to nurture and to love. To procreate and to trust the man that loves us to protect us in every aspect. Now, I will admit that we have to become better stewards of our own hearts. We must take our time not a 30 or 90-day rule but a day by day to learn a person. To figure out if he deserves to be in our lives, to experience us intimately. And even if he’s a great guy, we must be realistic about him being a great fit for us. Men will often be honest in the very beginning “I’m not looking for a relationship.” But with time we expect that to change. News flash ladies and gents we can’t force someone to want something just because they’ve invested some time into it. We can’t expect someone else to protect our hearts or to love us properly if we’re just desperately seeking companionship. A whole spirit will not connect with our brokenness until we are hellbent on healing alone.
I said all that to say I know a girl, as well as a guy who we’re both in committed relationships… So they thought. The contracted HIV from their partners who they’d been with for over a decade. They both saw the warning signs and even caught their partners cheating… Both of them gave the same reason for staying. “We spent so much time together, we have children and businesses together.” And now they have HIV together but, apart. Because it took for them to catch something they can’t get rid of, to release someone who was never supposed to be there. It was INSECURITY! I look at everything I’ve accepted in past relationships and know that that could’ve easily been me. I thank God for covering me. Insecurity can take everything and nothing at the same time. I hope this helps someone consider themselves MORE! Insecurity will have you out here ill.