Hello! What will known of you when you die? Will you be another statistic or a dream deferred? What will you be remembered by the way you chose to live? Are you the person that complains and lets life pass you by or are you the change and the legacy? WHO ARE YOU? No one can dictate your path or what’s inside of you? you alone hold your POWER! Know that you are power! Know your power!
At 30 plus years of age, a huge weight is lifted each time my HIV test comes back negative. I use condoms, sure. (Well, I’ve been celibate for over a year so I use my imagination. lol SERIOUSLY!) But what about the times I didn’t use condoms? What about the relationships I committed my entire being to but was cheated on serval times? Placed at risk by the men that claimed to love me. And while I started those relationships engaging in protected sex, sometimes they did NOT continue that way. After we became “official,” whatever that’s supposed to mean, the condom came off. I learned that while in what I thought was a monogamous, committed relationship, the man I was planning my life with SEXED other women frequently. He never used protection and all the secret, freaky, nasty and spontaneous acts he engaged in me wasn’t special. In most cases whatever his bedroom behavior was with me, it was the same behavior with the sex-ationships he had with all those other women… And still, I stayed! I put myself at risk for so many things… Disease yes! In every aspect. Mental and emotional disease! A broken heart and a broken spirit and a loss of sense of self. I stayed until he had no reason to respect me. This once strong woman now weakened by life’s trials, and though she calls her reason for staying “a fight for love and family,” it was actually fear. Fear of being alone, that she’s not good enough. The next woman will make him happy or be better. Comparing everything from her body, career, education, finances, her house, and even her everyday interest, which she changed to make her relationship more compatible. The insecurities that we carry are so deep.
Most women would never admit to being this stupid. But it isn’t stupid at all. We were raised to nurture and to love. To procreate and to trust the man that loves us to protect us in every aspect. Now, I will admit that we have to become better stewards of our own hearts. We must take our time not a 30 or 90-day rule but a day by day to learn a person. To figure out if he deserves to be in our lives, to experience us intimately. And even if he’s a great guy, we must be realistic about him being a great fit for us. Men will often be honest in the very beginning “I’m not looking for a relationship.” But with time we expect that to change. News flash ladies and gents we can’t force someone to want something just because they’ve invested some time into it. We can’t expect someone else to protect our hearts or to love us properly if we’re just desperately seeking companionship. A whole spirit will not connect with our brokenness until we are hellbent on healing alone.
I said all that to say I know a girl, as well as a guy who we’re both in committed relationships… So they thought. The contracted HIV from their partners who they’d been with for over a decade. They both saw the warning signs and even caught their partners cheating… Both of them gave the same reason for staying. “We spent so much time together, we have children and businesses together.” And now they have HIV together but, apart. Because it took for them to catch something they can’t get rid of, to release someone who was never supposed to be there. It was INSECURITY! I look at everything I’ve accepted in past relationships and know that that could’ve easily been me. I thank God for covering me. Insecurity can take everything and nothing at the same time. I hope this helps someone consider themselves MORE! Insecurity will have you out here ill.
Clearly… Discrimination within your own race exit. Wondering… Since the word Negro means: belonging to a group of dark skin, is that the group I fit with? My skin isn’t dark at all. Nor is it completely pale. As a child, I was accepted by neither black or whites. Most of my family is melanin deficient. As a child, I was taught that if darker-skinned kids teased me to call them buckwheat and sambo. That would insult them the same way it insulted me when they called me “white girl.” We were taught to keep ourselves separate. Though as an adult I know better, as a child I was taught that the darker-skinned people envied me. That they were barely family and that they were mean… I had a light-skinned mother who wasn’t fond of dark people and a dark-skinned grandmother who wasn’t fond of light people. Division is what I saw amongst my people, my family, every day. I was not taught that ALL BLACK PEOPLE need to stand together, just based on complexion. And growing up I had no clue of where I belonged. I simply “tried to be black” because no one explained to me who I was.
My dad’s mom, darker skin would make statements like “y’all light skin people think y’all entitled, y’all think y’all better.” But in all actuality, I thought I was nothing at all and I simply needed her love. I would kiss her ass to get it too! Still only to be rejected and dismissed. Invisible to all the pretty ladies that I admired with the dark skin. Not pretty for a dark skin lady but beautiful beyond measure just because. I would sit out in the sun for hours in 90 some degree weather with Vaseline dripping all down my arms and face hoping to get brown. I still have a permanent tan on my outer arm from trying so hard. I just wanted to be black. I didn’t want to be a white girl or high yellow or redbone. I wanted to be an obvious reflection of my ancestors from African descent.
After digging into my history I found a distant grandfather who was Cuban. Then men from Scotland and Ireland and of course the Indian blood runs through me. Still, I wanted to know of the heritage that society says is the dominant force. I can be all mixed up but African American is an obvious course. And who says I can’t love every nationality whose blood I carry? With traits and features so distinct when others guess my nationality it often varies. Being black? What does it mean when society blots out our history, denies what we worked for and kills our youth. Our black men and women are discredited, murdered in the streets, accused, judged and sentenced to maximum sentences for lesser crimes than any white man or woman. Our families become more disconnected. But can we blame it all on the outsiders? Our lack of knowledge of self is to our own detriment. Though not easily assessable, research is available. I write this only because I know that there are many other little girls out there just like I was confused and wondering who they are. We as adults have to take on the responsibility to love ourselves better and teach our children the power of black unity… IN EVERY SHADE!
Oh the LAND OF THE FREE & the HOME OF THE BRAVE!?!??! REALLY?!?!? Being in a space where I’m often the confidant or counselor for others I get a bunch of young girls, responsible women, girlfriends, wives, who tell me their secrets and I’ve become far too familiar with keeping the secrets after hearing the words “Paula! I’m pregnant… I can’t keep this baby though”.
Maybe I’m bothered by something recent, or I look at my daughter, sister, nieces, nephews, and cousins regularly and wonder “how could anyone take for granted God’s greatest gift.” The gift of life. Women make the decision to “KILL” their babies based on a relationship with the father, men lay down unprotected with women with absolutely no connection to them and become angry once they learn they’ve planted a seed. I just wonder why. With so many women unable to conceive, how is it that anyone could opt out of the full experience knowing that even in worse circumstance they’ve been blessed.
Am I judging? Not at all… I am guilty of abortion, unfortunately. And tears stream down my face as I admit this has happened more than once. Anytime I blog I make it relative to my own life experiences. And though I can’t change the past I have to be honest and say abortion was the worse decision of my life! People always say they have no regrets about their lives… Well… I do! My thought is simply this… We all have issues, relationship issues, financial issues, childhood issues, parenting issues, spiritual war… blah blah!!! None of those things were a thought when you were having sex. Abortion is wrong no matter the other issues.
I guess the exception to that rule would be if a woman was raped or became ill. I don’t think it’s selfish someone made the decision to have an abortion because of complications or it seemed definitive that the mother would lose her life giving birth. That actually happened to my friend “Paula Ward.”
I don’t believe any person should have the right to tell you what to do with your body. However if you’ve had 1 abortion that was simply due to your own reckless behavior or a breakup or some human act that you willingly participated in, consider that fact that maybe this life deserves a chance. An adoption is always an option. People are looking for children to love every day. I’m not anti-abortion, I am Pro-LIFE.
Cleary… Men need women just as much as women need men so why do we settle so often?
Uhh! Unfortunately society tells us that women are inferior on every level and SEX is what makes a soulmate. Sex can be amazing but I assure you she’s probably had much better! PSA… your penis nor you tongue is what makes her stay with your immature, ungrateful ass. She knows she needs a man! Sadly disappointment allows the wrong men the opportunity to experience her. He usually knows when it’s right verses when it’s a matter of time before a relationship will end, she usually doesn’t. She believes that in a loving relationship its possible to work through your issues and live happily ever after. When you think about it, I mean the abuse that so many of us have accepted in the past, are allowing in the present and while knowing we deserve better we’ll continue in unacceptable situations far into our future. In loveless situations yearning for a love that we naturally possess. We don’t have to admit it but verbal, emotional and physical abuse is happening! We mask the pain with our smiles, with our relaxed shoulders and our heads held high. We knowingly settle and create our own excuses as to why. Whether we have a ring on our finger, are in long term relationships or we’re hanging in there with that man that supplies all our monetary desires, well enough to keep us needing him, we’ve allowed control to be masked as love. Fear of loneliness, lack, and the idea of being a loser keeps us from being the best version of ourselves. We settle for the very things that we never wanted. I have anyway. At least at some point! At the end of the day your joy, peace and success is not predicated on something that someone else may add to you. Instead it’s about the light you choose to radiate. As you give, you shall receive. Is light a quality often taken advantage of because of the vulnerability attached to being so authentic, absolutely! But know that love still gives you the ability to say NO! Light shines on everything reveling truth in it’s time. You have to know when to walk away. If you’re the girl that’s being slapped every now and again or you getting your ass whooped regularly, if you’re the girl struggling and being propositioned for your time, attention or whatever else. If you’re the girl being told everything you CAN’T be it’s about high time you find the strength to love yourself first! Every time you settle for less than you deserve, YOU SET YOURSELF BACK 10 STEPS! I’m talking to me right now. But I hope I’ve helped at least one of you.