The option to express myself without seeming as if I was going on a rant or that I was bitter because of a breakup was important to me. I understood the need for both strategy and vulnerability. That wasn’t easy. As a woman who feels everything deeply or not at all, I know that my expression of self can sometimes seem overly emotional. Especially in a world where having feelings is shunned and ridiculed. People look at love like some sort of plaything. They attach love to sex or money. It gets even more shallow as love is often taken into consideration for just the look of it. How others perceive your relationship, your partners social status or the business plan of how it looks on paper. While I do believe that we should weigh the pros and cons, I also know that love is much more than the material.
My book *If He Wanted To Be There He Would* is a combination of personal experience, both direct and indirect, research, therapy, relationship classes and direction from a few experts. It touches on the mental and emotional, physical and hormonal, and also the spiritual affects of a breakup. My book also instructs on how we can care for those elements of ourselves so that the effects aren’t as dramatic or as long lasting as we often times experience.
I began writing during my healing process. I thought that day would never come. Before then, I was broken beyond what I could even articulate. The man who promised we’d spend our lives together, raising a family turned out to be a sociopath. I knew he was a narcissist very early on, but since I had experience with those types of personalities I swept it under the rug. I was certain that I’d know how to handle his narcissistic traits. But it only became worse, more pitiful and much more draining. Still, I thought I could be his wonder woman and cause him to see the good in life’s moments and experiences. I spoke into him daily, probably hourly in attempt to let him know how much of an amazing man he was and to stroke his fragile ego. Still That wasn’t enough.
When I found out he was entertaining other women I lost trust, naturally. Then I became insecure because I understood that the things I once looked at as innocent weren’t innocent at all. The issues I didn’t give much attention would become more consistent if I allowed his behavior to continue. The insecurity caused me to become accusatory where his newly found “sisters” were concerned. I wasn’t wrong. Though not all of them gave in, in the end, without me asking he admitted to wanting to be with all of those women.
When I left he did the most to hurt me. He’d set me up on a few occasions, one almost directly after I left. We were still in communication and “HE” asked if we could work on our relationship. I agreed because I loved him and I truly did want it to work. One day after work, I asked to come to his house because I had a session not far from him and I wasn’t feeling well (cramps). He agreed but when I pulled into his garage I got a text telling me to wait in my car because he was having a meeting, in his apartment. Keep in mind I’d left less than than a month prior so I was taken at a back. Long story short, he lived in a secured building so I went home, showered, changed my clothes and came back. As I was driving toward the garage I saw a very familiar face. She was from his social media. One of his new found “sisters’ that I hadn’t meant. I pulled over, got out of my car and introduced myself a bit more aggressively than I should have. It wasn’t her fault. She knew nothing of me and she wasn’t dating him. He however was trying to bait her. He used my approaching her as an excuse to be angry and not talk to me that night.
For months he played the game of cat and mouse and attempted to break me in any aspect that he could, in any way that I ALLOWED. I say this because I could have cut off all communication but I did not. He sent flowers and dated women at my job, as well as women I knew and was acquainted with and women I’d introduced him to for business. He’d come pass my place of employment and stop the elevator on my floor but not get off. He made sure he became acquainted with some of my associates and business affiliates. He also completely ex’ed me out of a venture that I helped to start when absolutely no one else would even listen to the idea. I was devastated but I kept a straight face and a calm surface. I died on the inside a little more each day though.
Hurt was an understatement. He slandered my name and described our relationship as volatile. Telling mutual friends and acquaintances lies of physical altercations and violations of personal space. It was all a lie. I couldn’t even say today that he was that type of person to me. That type of relationship DID NOT EXIST in our home. We argued, sure, but the yelling came from different rooms. We never got into each others faces. What did happen was the silent treatment. He and I would go weeks without saying a word to each other. We would be out with friends and you’d think we were the happiest couple in the world. But at home I’d get ignored when attempting simple conversation. He’d sleep far on the other side of the bed or not come to bed at all. If I touched him he’d jerk away. He even stayed out a few nights. Because the initial start of the relationship was like a once in a lifetime fairytale, I thought patience would get us over the mountain that we were facing. I was wrong. He is the type of man who sets out to destroy what he sees as good or strong.
In the book, I give about two paragraphs in one specific chapter to that relationship. I do however describe what a #narcissist and a #sociopath is and the affects of having them as partners. My hope is that I’ll help my readers avoid those personalities. I also give clear concise instruction on how to heal, what love is and what it isn’t, and how to redefine our selves. Ultimately, people want to know how to find and exist in love successfully. I provide a few steps.
After much pain, therapy, research and instruction I was able to heal. I was taught how to attain love successfully. That is what lead me to write my work. After completion I sent it out for editing. The first editor I sent my book to refused it. She was a noted editor who I’d done a little work with in the past. She told me I wasn’t qualified to write such a book. She said this book is something Iyanla Vanzant should have written. I’m glad she told me that! If it’s worthy of a mention in the same sentence as as expert as amazing as Iyanla Vanzant, I must be on the right path. At any rate, The book is “If He Wanted To Be There He Would.” The subtitle is “6 Steps To Push Past The Breakup.” The release date is April 27, 2020. And I truly hope you enjoy it.
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